Can Women and Men Just Be Friends: Part II

So there's this guy that I work with. I think of him like my brother, and as the unlucky winner of this title he gets the full on, uncensored version of me. He hears about the goings on of my digestive track. I snore in the car when he gives me late night rides home. I call him on every instance that he tries to puff himself up (as well as all the instances when he tries to sell himself short).

But somewhere in the back of mind, I have the suspicion that if I made a romantic advance, he wouldn't turn me down. And so I hesitate before making certain jokes, and I think twice about buying him birthday and holiday presents to make sure that they are appropriately professional and platonic.

These slight amendments I make with him that I don't with my gal pals makes me wonder: are we truly friends?

Reality Check: My Love Life Isn't That Hard

Can Women and Men Just Be Friends?: Part I

For most of my life I have strongly argued that it is possible for women and men to just be friends. But the older I get, and the more complex romantic relationships have become, I’ll have to admit that I am wavering some.

For example, last weekend I had drinks with a good male friend of mine who I’ve known since high school. He’s a real guy’s guy, so we spent the evening at an Irish pub, where he was sporting his typical attire of a Yankee’s cap and a Guinness t-shirt. At some point over the course of the night we started into one of these “men are from Mars, women are from Venus” type conversations. His gripe: why do women read so much into things?

 He proceeded to tell me a story of a recent tiff he and his live-in girlfriend had. He had gone to a family wedding solo (no plus one was offered on the invite) and then to save money ended up crashing on the hotel room floor of a female childhood friend .Nothing happened., but yet, his girlfriend was pissed .She made him go through every detail of the night, questioned every other alternative he could have taken.

There’s a time in my life, where I would have been on his side. And even that night, there was a moment where I thought she was being a bit unreasonable. But I couldn’t bring myself to voice the words that I knew he wanted to hear.  

Instead I said this. “Of all the people in the world your girlfriend could be with, she chose you. And she’s happy. So from her perspective, it’s really hard for her to imagine a woman out there who knows you who wouldn’t want to choose you too.”

He took a slug of his beer and looked up at me, “You know, sometimes you make too much sense.”

Just when you think you know someone...

Friends and family who met their spouses in college or at work often question me about my dating habits. The exact questions may differ, but the heart of at least one of them is always the same: How do you know that your new crush isn't crazy?

Sadly, the answer is that I don't. And there's no way that I can ever know. But that's the risk with any relationship.This week's Modern Love article in the New York Times demonstrated just that: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/10/fashion/10Modern.html

Flying Solo

I've decided, once again, not to let being single (and relatively friend-less in my new adopted town) get me down. Despite my natural inclination to want to work my 60+ hours a week and then hide out in my apartment catching up on some HBO or Showtime series, I'm instead going to do all of the things that I enjoy to do, even if it means doing them by myself.

Does this sound desperate and a little despressing? Maybe. But, I like to think of it as liberating and free. I refuse to let my current social circumstances stop me from having fun. Today, I ate a fabulous Sunday brunch at the counter of a popular eatery with only my newspaper to keep me company.

Next up: solo vacation to the Southwest U.S. and then seeing Alvin Ailey perform when I return!

The Full Package

I found myself this past weekend in the awkward situation in which I was asked to give an ex-boyfriend feedback on his online dating profile. Now, believe me when I say that I strongly resisted taking on the task. But this ex is newly single with a track record for serial monogamy. In some ways, this was his first real foray into dating in his whole life, and he had no idea what he was doing.

Having a certain expertise in pimping myself out online, I approached the lose-lose project with the same enthusiasm I generally have for skimming through online profiles (read: none).

I first honed in on the pictures. He featured a lot of artsy, half-obsured shots, which the skeptic in me usually hates because it leaves me wondering whether the person is strangely disfigured or a criminal on the run.The one frontal shot of him was not representative of his looks and, to make matters worse, showed him sporting one of *my* old t-shirts. Unbelievable.

I then started reading his personal summary and his various likes and dislikes. As I scanned through the sections, I had to restrain myself from making massive edits. I kept thinking as I read: why would he mention this annoying thing about himself and this other annoying thing.

And then it hit me. I had always thought that the things that bothered me about him  were exceptions to who he really was. But then looking at his profile, and seeing it all laid out,  I realized those things weren't exceptions; they *are* who he is.

So, in the end, I recommended some photo change and left the text alone. Because, after all, he deserves a girl who can see him (and like him) as he truly is.

Failed

It's now the third of April, and I wasn't even close to meeting my goal for March. I've now officially been dateless for six months. In my defense, I did have something scheduled for last Tuesday, but he cancelled last minute due to work.

I wasn't heartbroken.

I had set out to do this March Madness project because I thought I needed to light a fire under myself to make sure that I was getting out there and meeting new people. I have set simliiar goals  for myself in the past with great success. What can I say? I am a competitive girl and usually respond well to a challenge.

But things were a little different this time around. And if I had to pinpoint what it was, I'd say it's because I am tired.In my efforts to see and be seen, I was losing the experience of the moment. Social outings weren't fun anymore. They all felt terribly strategic. It was exhausting to constantly create opportunities to date.

So last week I just threw in the towel. And I decided instead to do a whole lot of things that I love  that present almost no possibilities of meeting someone. This included:
* Friday Happy Hour drinks with my sister
* Saturday museum with friends
* Saturday dinner with a couple
*Sunday morning yoga followed by used bookstore shopping
* Sunday afternoon play (The Intelligent Homosexual's Guide to Capitalism and Socialism with a Key to the Scriptures)
* Sunday home-cooked dinner with another couple

And you know what? I couldn't have asked for a better weekend. No really. Failure never felt so good.