Double Dipping

Two years ago I resolved to stop getting physical with people that I used to be romantically involved with.  As you can probably guess, it was a pretty severe problem to necessitate me making a resolution about it.

The truth is that as hard as it is for me to fall in love, it’s much harder for me to fall out of it. And, if I were to be entirely truthful with myself, I’m not quite sure that I’m not still in love with all of my exes in some small way.

This is not to say that I want to get back together with any of them. I whole-heartedly agree with authors Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt that it’s called a break up because it’s broken. With possibly the exception of the last guy I dated, I am 100% clear that I don’t want to be in a relationship with any boyfriends from the past.

What I desire is far more elusive than that. The emotions that I continue to hold on to are a love for the way we used to be. I pine for the time before I realized that they weren’t perfect and when I  still believed we could be happy forever. I yearn for the giddiness that marked the beginning of our relationships and the intimacy that grew in the months and years thereafter. I used to revisit old relationships in hopes of tapping into all of the feelings that preceded the fall.

This weekend I had the opportunity to see an ex of mine. And like waves, snapshots of our former life together resurfaced in my mind. Not whole episodes, but things like the private smiles he would sneak me when we were in public places or the way that my whole body would feel it when he held my hand.When our afternoon plans fell through, I was relieved. While I am over the man, it is proving difficult to fully break up with the memory of him.